Different Fate

Are you tired of feeling like you're always number two? Are you tired of feeling that nothing is ever good enough, that your best is just good? Are you so freaking tired of being compared, even if it was you yourself who compare you with others? Me too, friend. I am tired with all of those but you know what I realize today? 

I realize that comparing myself is just shits I made as an excuse to feel bad. Weird-much? Yes, but it is also true. When it comes to comparison, we always feel like we are being bullied. Questions like, "Why do they have to compare me?" or "Can't you just appreciate my effort?" flies around our head every second of those trials. It seems that all those effort and even sacrifices that we made are just a waste if energy and we began to feel bad about it. Soon, we get used to all those comparison that we became immune toward it...or so it seems. Facts: the more we are being compared, the more we doubt about our own capability and slowly but sure, we are going to live our life in doubts.

Truth is I have been living my life in doubt. There was never a second when I really am just happy for who I am. There is always that voice inside my head that told me that I was not good enough. There were whispers in my head that says, "Look at that girl. She has everything a pretty face, a fair hair, a brilliant mind, a loving family. So different from you right?" And worst is when I hear myself saying that may be I am destined to be in the background, being as invisible as I can, that way, I think I'll be happier.

What a crap I think right? It has never been any truer that we all deserve a spotlight of our own. we deserve to be our own superstar. We ROCK in every single way and we should never forget about that. People will never stop comparing us with others but we can stop comparing ourselves. What other says matters so little compare to what we think about us. Today, I make a change. I am standing tall with my chin up, embracing and loving who I am with all my flaws. I will still make better changes in my life, but for what is worth, I will never change who I am inside. Yes, other people might have nicer hair than I do, or even a better life but their life is not mine. And I love mine, with every problem, every dramas, every issue; with everything in it. 

The best part: I am never alone. One of the most amazing thing about being a teenager is having all the great best friends in my life to help me and listen to all my ramblings and issues and anger and everything else. If life is a deadly roller coaster, they made the ride worth the fun and worth the time. They'll be the one who will slap me right in the face and bring me back to the truth that I am worth it. Without them, I guess I wouldn't make it this far, and I am forever grateful to have all those people in my life.Happy Friendship Day, Friends.

Your Friend,

A.L.J

Lost Touch

Word of the day: lost touch.

Definition: it's something you say when you have no more connection toward it. It's the disconnection from someone toward somebody else or something. 

Why I remember this word?

Because it appear to me that I have lost touch of something that has been a part of me. 

The effect:  it really create this hole in me.

Truth: it feels like I had just been into a terrible accident I lost my memory. I know that something is missing but I don't know how to gain it back. 

Is it sad?

More than I could explain...

Is it bad?

I can barely survive the thought of it...

Is it the end?

I just hope that it wouldn't have to end that way...

It's like losing a part of you and you found yourself being lost in the middle of no where. Like all cases of amnesia, no one knows when those missing part will be back, or will ever be back but I want it to be back, so that I won't be lost like I am now. So that I could have those ability to do what I like.

 picture taken from tumblr

I am going away for a couple of days. Away from people, away from here to clear my thoughts, to reflect my life, and to hope that everything's going to be okay. 

Catching my breath,

ALJ

Looking out the Window

Everyday I see people forcing a smile in their face as they pass each window car in the traffic light. Most people would just wave away those people away from their cars. Sometime, I did that too. Ignoring the obvious pain that they are experiencing. Little did we know and little did we care about the sadness that lies beneath those face. We veiled ourselves from seeing the reflection of misery through their eyes. We seems to overlook the imprinted sweat in their shirts. And so my heart grief for humanity for there is no more decency that could be found among us. 

I was in my car when I realize the sadness in people's eyes and how they are just plainly trying to survive life. It moves me to see how people are forced to be in a situation that they are in now just because they have no other options. They've tried but nothing seems to work and now they just live to work day by day hoping that someday this might all be better. 

This remind me of an excerpt from the Life of Pi by Yann Martel. "The life of wild animal is simple, noble, and meaningful. Then it is captures by wicked men and thrown into ring jails. Its "happiness" is dashed. It yearns mightily for 'freedom' and does all it can to escape. Being denied its 'freedom' for too long, the animal becomes a shadow of itself, its spirit broken."

Pardon the comparison, but it is true. People's happiness are constantly taken away from them. Happiness might now just be a memory.  Before they work for the community. Before they have no problem in fulfilling their families needs. Before everything is working well. Before they were happy... People are forced into labors because they are trap in the world where money comes first. In fact, we all are trap in a materialistic world. 

 

Is money wrong? No...I guess it's our fault for letting it goes too far. But let's not give up on faith, there's still tomorrow to hope for. We might not be able to do any sort of big things right now, but we live and we learn to fix the problem that we've created so that tomorrow will be a better day especially for them.

From the other side of the window,

ALJ

Still on friends, I found this poem that I made years ago and reading back to what I wrote made me realize what an amazing life it is that I have. It is hard to believe how to complete strangers that happens to be in the same place, at the same time can become what the world calls them friends. I guess that's why they told us to be nice every time, right? Because you just might not know that the strangers sitting next to you might be your best friends later on.  Might be a little bit cliche here and there but it really made me realize how valuable are my once-a-stranger friends. Hope you guys enjoy them :)

That's What Friends For

Sometime we are alone.
wandering what will comes next,
but before we knew it,
the time just had past.


there's a story about a girl,
who had never had a friend.
then she start to talk to a star,
and began to cry because a lonely life.


from somewhere a nobody comes to her,




asking why she's so sad




they began to talk and chat,






without realize that time had past.










time had past,




moment by moment




they goes together,




flowing just like the feather.






when it came for saying good bye,


the girl cry again,


wondering why they have to go,


and be gone forever.


A friend doesn't need to be seen,
because they already in our heart.
if you cant saw them,
then just look at them in your heart.




because a friend is like a star,
sometimes you can see them,
and sometimes you can't.




But when you are sad,
that star will shine only for you.




and if you asked why,
they'll only said










"that's what a friend for" 

Thanks for reading,

Your friend,

ALJ

And So It Started With an End

I guess I have to make the story straight, and for that  let me begin by telling you the end...

I am changing the scene, going away from the place that I grew, developed and learned for the last four years. Why? Simply because I'm starting to feel like I am trap in a place, locked up in a dungeon to say the least. May be something like what Rapunzel feels in the tower: happy to be alive but then again sad to be stuck. Not to say that my school is bad, it's just that one feeling  that you have when you feel that there's something more out there. Cliche? Yes...

To be honest, moving school is a long term plan that I have been planning about ever since, say two years ago, but I don't regret not moving until now. This year has been a roller coaster ride. I've been doing things that is completely out of my mind. I'm doing things that I thought will be impossible. I've done lots of crazy things and the best part is my friends are right next to me when it all happen, taking part in each whatever madness we're about to do. My last year was amazing. Nothing more to add to that. It was simply...beautiful.

I have never actually say goodbye to my friends partly because I know this is not a final goodbye, but it is also because I don't want to say goodbye to them. Saying goodbye means forgetting and forgetting turns everything into memories, and sometime memories are lost with time. I don't want to forget about my friends and everything that we do. I don't want my friendship to become nothing but a memory. Because without them, my life would just be a blank piece of paper wanting to be colored. 

June 18, 2011. I began to read my year book comments and the Book. I was reading them in my car and that's when I stop and I cry. I cry because I realize that it all has end. I cry because I don't want all of this to be over. I cry simple because I've said goodbye. I know that that will not be the last time I met with my friends, but realizing that I've said goodbye and not knowing when will we meet again, saddens me. So I cried.

I guess the reason why I am writing this is to say a proper goodbye. 

"Oh clock, just stop for a second
I still see the kid inside the mirror
I'm all grown up, moving on
life feels short, it used to feel long
the flying birds, reminds me
that sometimes we have to go

Goodbye, don't change a thing
I promise, I'll be back someday
I'll miss you, please don't fade away
don't fade away."

-David Choi, Don't Fade Away

Dear friends,

Know that I'm not letting go of anything, of any memories or any friendship. Please know that it has been my greatest honor and privilege to be your friend, and I shall never forget about you and I shall forever be grateful for a friend like you to be in my life.

Till we meet again,

Hugs and kisses,

ALJ

A Beginning

They say when a chapter in our life close, another one is just waiting to start. And I guess mine start here.


I'm always unsure about where I am going, not to say that I do know where I am going now, but I'm taking chances. Finally going to do something. 

Things you should probably know about me: I am a dreamer at mind, a thinker at heart, a traveler at soul, and the least of all I am a writer. I always hope for something new to happen but there's no more time for that. I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do (I sure have not got over the goodbye part) but I guess I'm just going to enjoy the ride, taking in every precious moments along the way.

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People changes so that you learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe less so eventually you trust no one but yourself. And sometime good things fall apart so that better things can fall together"

Marilyn Monroe

I'm not sure where this is going but all I know, I am on my way to somewhere away from where I'm standing right now.

Let the journey begins...

smiles and cheers,

A.L.J